So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.
Can't take much credit for using the word "myself" in my line because I didn't make that line up! Nope, that's an actual quote from the Boy Wonder when he was trying to explain how he wound up cuffed and detained at Heinz Field.
Of all the stupid stuff that comes out of that guy's mouth ..... the "no control" quote is my favorite ever.
"I was thinking about becoming a woman. For years, actually, I've wondered why I don't have breasts. They just seem so natural and beautiful and, well, fun."
"Excuse me, let me tell you something... When America opened up the floodgates and let all us Ravenstahls in, what do you think they were doing it for? Cause they were trying to save us from poverty? No, they did it because they needed us. They needed us to build their cities and dig their subways-and to make them richer. The Carnegies and The Rockerfellers: they needed worker bees and there we were. But some of us didn't want to swarm around their hive and lose who we were. We wanted to stay Ravenstahl and preserve the things that meant something to us: honor and family and loyalty... and some of us wanted a piece of the action. Now we weren't educated like the Americans but we had the BALLS to take what we wanted! And those other folks, those other... the, the JP Morgans; they were crooks and killers too but that was the business right? The American Way."
Ethics Board: So, what step are you at now? Luke: I did all the steps, except for the one where I'm supposed to go around and apologize to all the people I fucked over... Ethics Board: ...I think maybe you shouldn't do that one. You know, let sleeping dogs lie. Luke: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Ok. I vote for your "I feel pretty" line. First off, 'cause it's funny. Second, 'cause it's "Maria speaking for Maria" and third, because Bernstein is so much the "anti-Luke."
I ain't saying it's right. But you're saying a foot massage don't mean nothing, and I'm saying it does. Now look, I've given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like they don't, but they do, and that's what's so f***g cool about them.
Of COURSE I was doing the people's business... just think about it: Where else can I get the attention of a couple of millionaires? Think of the businesses Mario and Sydney can open in this city -- IF they have the right government connections!
Best caption wins a beer. A good one, too. Like a Yingling or something.
I'll go first:
ReplyDeleteI can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... I'm smart and I want respect!
It's all about ME bitchez!
ReplyDeleteCarbolic Smoke Ball beat you to the punch.
ReplyDeleteWell, we were first only because we "go to press" the night before. We knew that picture would get lots of attention.
ReplyDelete"Myself and everybody else that was in the front of the line at that point simply had no control over our bodies or anything."
ReplyDelete"A man becomes preeminent,
ReplyDeletehe's expected to have enthusiasms.
Enthusiasms...
Enthusiasms...
What are mine?
What draws my admiration?
What is that which gives me joy?.
- Dames?
- Boozin'?
Golf!"
- The Untouchable Luke Ravenstahl
Cheers!
Piltdown Man
Char, brilliant! His use of the untriggered reflexive "myself" drives me nuts.
ReplyDeleteSo I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.
ReplyDelete"What's the big deal, every other person born into a political family would pick golf over discussing domestic violence too."
ReplyDeleteI don't drink, so pass on the beer, not that I would win it anyway.
No Luke, you didn't throw up in front of the Ethics board, you threw up ON the ethics board!
ReplyDelete"I pour my heart into my job.Ask my mother,she knows i don't lie."
ReplyDelete"It's good to be the mayor."
ReplyDeleteEntry #2:
ReplyDelete"What, me worry?"
Judge,
ReplyDeleteCan't take much credit for using the word "myself" in my line because I didn't make that line up! Nope, that's an actual quote from the Boy Wonder when he was trying to explain how he wound up cuffed and detained at Heinz Field.
Of all the stupid stuff that comes out of that guy's mouth ..... the "no control" quote is my favorite ever.
Yarone told me I'm a "unitary executive." I don't know what that means, but he says I can just keep doing whatever I want.
ReplyDeleteI recognized the line, Char. Good one!
ReplyDeleteSinging (from West Side Story) "There's a place for us, Somewhere a place for us ..."
ReplyDeleteWell, he just looks like he is emoting...
Just for the record, TWM beat everyone to the punch.
ReplyDeleteI had that photo and some musings on Luke's expression up on the site yesterday at 4:41pm.
And I, too, recognized Char's great use of the Mayor's own tortured syntax. An allusion to the same sentence appeared in a Carbolic post last month.
That was almost like cheating, though. Much of what Luke says is already self-parody.
"For two weeks I gambled in green pastures. The dice were my cousins and the dolls were agreeable with nice teeth and no last names."
ReplyDeleteSorry, Chad but I posted it with a humorous caption at 4:20PM and Metroblogging beat us both by posting it at 2:11.
ReplyDelete"If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that I can kill anyone. I mean golf any where I want."
ReplyDelete"i'm a little teapot..." "no? i know how to sing itzy bitzy spider too!!!"
ReplyDeletei don't drink beer either. : )
"I was thinking about becoming a woman. For years, actually, I've wondered why I don't have breasts. They just seem so natural and beautiful and, well, fun."
ReplyDeletePilt
I stand corrected, Maria. Thanks.
ReplyDelete"9/11."
ReplyDeletebadges....i don't need no stinkin badges!!!!
ReplyDelete"Listen, the only difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie....!"
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy that the PG decided to use that picture.
ReplyDelete"Excuse me, let me tell you something... When America opened up the floodgates and let all us Ravenstahls in, what do you think they were doing it for? Cause they were trying to save us from poverty? No, they did it because they needed us. They needed us to build their cities and dig their subways-and to make them richer. The Carnegies and The Rockerfellers: they needed worker bees and there we were. But some of us didn't want to swarm around their hive and lose who we were. We wanted to stay Ravenstahl and preserve the things that meant something to us: honor and family and loyalty... and some of us wanted a piece of the action. Now we weren't educated like the Americans but we had the BALLS to take what we wanted! And those other folks, those other... the, the JP Morgans; they were crooks and killers too but that was the business right? The American Way."
ReplyDeleteI feel pretty,
ReplyDeleteOh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.
I'm in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you're mobbed up. It's a stereotype, and it's offensive.
ReplyDeleteEthics Board: So, what step are you at now?
ReplyDeleteLuke: I did all the steps, except for the one where I'm supposed to go around and apologize to all the people I fucked over...
Ethics Board: ...I think maybe you shouldn't do that one. You know, let sleeping dogs lie.
Luke: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
More from West Side Story:
ReplyDeleteI feel pretty
Oh so pretty
That the city should give me its key!
A committee
Should be organized to honour me!
Fitting, I think.
FORE!
ReplyDeleteMaria -
ReplyDeleteOk. I vote for your "I feel pretty" line. First off, 'cause it's funny. Second, 'cause it's "Maria speaking for Maria" and third, because Bernstein is so much the "anti-Luke."
Cheers.
Pilt
I ain't saying it's right. But you're saying a foot massage don't mean nothing, and I'm saying it does. Now look, I've given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like they don't, but they do, and that's what's so f***g cool about them.
ReplyDeleteO, that this too too solid flesh would melt
ReplyDeleteThaw and resolve itself into a dew!
2nd Submission:
ReplyDelete"Oh yea .... Well, you're not the boss of me!"
Unnhh unhhh unhhh ARRRHHH!!! Oh, sorry honey.
ReplyDeleteThis is my body, broken for you.
ReplyDeleteOf COURSE I was doing the people's business... just think about it: Where else can I get the attention of a couple of millionaires? Think of the businesses Mario and Sydney can open in this city -- IF they have the right government connections!
ReplyDelete