Michelle Wolf, Last Night at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (A Full Transcript)

She beings with:

Alright, this is long. This has been long. Good Evening, good evening. Here we are the White House Correspondents Dinner. Like a porn star says when she's about to have sex with a Trump, "Let's get this over with."

And ends with:

Flint still doesn't have clean water!

In between there was this (my transcript - apologies in advance for any errors):

Yep, kiddos. This is what you're getting tonight. I'm going to skip alot of the normal pleasantries. We're at a Hilton. It's not nice. This is on C-Span. No one watches that. Trump is president. It's not ideal.

White House Correspondents' Association, thank you for having me. The monkfish was fine.

And just a reminder to everyone: I'm here to make jokes. I have no agenda. I'm not trying to get anything accomplished. So everyone that's here from Congress, you should feel right at home.

Before we get too far, a little bit about me. A lot of you might not know who I am. I am 32 years old. Which is an odd age - 10 years too young to host this event and 20 years too old for Roy Moore. I know, he almost got elected, yea. It was fun. It was fun.

Honestly, I never really thought I would be a comedian, but I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade and this is 100% true. It said my best profession was a clown or a mime. At first it said clown and then it heard my voice and said, maybe mime.  This about mime.

And I know as much as some of you might want me to, it's 2018 and I'm a woman so you cannot shut me up -- unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000. Michael, you can find me on Venmo under my pornstar name, Reince Priebus.   Reince just gave a thumbs up.

Now people are saying America is no more divided than ever. But I think, no matter what you support politically, we can all agree that this is a great time for craft stores. Because of all the protests, poster board has been flying off the shelves faster than Robert Mueller can say, "You've been subpoenaed."

Thanks to Trump, pink yarn sales are through the roof. After Trump got elected, women started knitting those pussy hats. When I first saw them I was like that is a pussy? I guess mine has more yarn on it.

You should have done more research before you got me to do this.

There is a lot to cover tonight. There is a lot to go over. I can't get to everything. I know there's a lot of people want me to talk about Russia and Putin and collusion, but I am not going to do that because there is also a lot of liberal media here. And I've never really wanted to know what any of you look like when you orgasm. Except for you, Jake Tapper. I bet it is something like this. Ok, that is all the time we have.

It is kind of crazy that the Trump campaign was in contact with Russia, when the Hillary campaign wasn't even in contact with Michigan.

Of course, Trump isn't here. If you haven't noticed, he is not here. And I know, I would drag him here myself but it turns out The President of the United States is the one pussy you are not allowed to grab. He said it first. Yea, he did. You remember. Good.

I know people really want me to go after Trump tonight, but i think we should give the president credit when he deserves it. Like, he pulled out of the Paris agreement. I think he should get credit for that because he said he was going to pull out and then he did and that is a refreshing quality in a man. Most of men are like, I forgot. I will get you next time. Oh, there is going to be a next time? And people say romance is dead.

People call Trump names all the time. Look, i could call Trump a racist or misogynist or incompetent or ustable or impotent, but he has heard all of those and he doesn't care. So tonight, I am going to try to make fun of the president in a new way, in a way that I think will really get him. Mr. President, I don't think you are very rich. Like, I think you might be rich in Idaho, but in New York you are doing fine.

Trump is the only person who still watches "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" And thinks, "Me!" Although I'm not sure you would get very far. He'd be like the third question and be like, "I have to call a Fox and Friend."

We're going to try a fun new thing, ok? I'm going to say "Trump is so broke" and you guys go "How broke is he?" Alright? Trump is so broke, [How broke is he?] he has to fly in failed business class. Trump is so broke, [How broke is he?] he looked for foreign oil in Don Jr's hair. Trump is so broke, [How broke is he?] Southwest used him as one of their engines. I know, it is so soon, it is so soon for that joke, why did she tell it?, it is so soon. Trump is so broke, [How broke is he?] he had to borrow money from the Russians and now he is compromised and now susceptible to blackmail and possibly responsible for the collapse of The Republic. Yay. It is a fun game. 

Trump is racist, though. He loves white nationalists, which is a weird term for a Nazi. Calling a Nazi a white nationalist is like calling a pedophile a kid friend, or Harvey Weinstein a ladies man. Which isn't really fair, he also likes plants. 

Trump is also an idea guy, he has got loads of ideas. You got to love him for that. He wants to give teachers guns, and I support that because then they can sell them for things they need, like supplies - a lot of protractors.

A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not because just when you think Trump is awful you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay. Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, "Mm!" Mike Pence is also very anti-choice. He thinks abortion is murder, which first of all, don't knock it until you try it. And when you do try it, really knock it, you have to get that baby out of there. You can groan all you want, I know a lot of you are very anti-abortion, you know, unless it is the when you got for your secret mistress. 

It is funny how values can waiver. But good for you.

Mike Pence is a weirdo, though, he is a where it little guy. He won't meet with other women without his wife without his wife present. People first heard that and thought, that's crazy, but now in the current climate they say, that is a good witness. 

Which of course, brings me to the me too movement, it's probably the reason why I'm here. They were like, a woman is not going to jerk off in front of anyone, right? And to that I say, "Don't count your chickens." 

Now, I worked in a lot of male dominated fields before comedy.  I worked at a tech company and before that I worked on Wall Street, and honestly I have never really been sexually harassed. That being said, I did work at Bear Stearns in 2008 so although I haven't in sexually harassed I have definitely been fucked . The whole company went down on me without my consent. And no man got in trouble for that either. 

Things are changing. Men are being held accountable. Al Franken was ousted, that one really hurt liberals but I believe it was the great Ted Kennedy who said, "that is crazy, I murdered a woman." Chappaquiddick, in theaters now. 

I did have a a lot of jokes about cabinet members but I had to scrap all of those because everyone has been fired. You guys are going through cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people. Don't worry, they are having an afternoon. That'll solve it. We just needed an afternoon. 

Mitch McConnell's isn't here tonight. He had a prior engagement. He is finally getting his neck circumcised. Mazel. Paul Ryan also couldn't make it. Of course, he's already been circumcised. Unfortunately, while they were down there they also took his balls. Yea, bye, Paul, great acting though in that video. 

Republicans are easy to make fun of. It is like shooting fish in a Chris Christie. 

But I also want to make fun of democrats. Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys don't do anything. 

You think you might flip The House and Senate this November but you guys always find a way to mess it up. You are somehow going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile Nazi Doctor. Oh, he's a doctor? 

We should definitely talk about the women in the Trump Administration. There is Kelly Anne Conway. Man, she has the perfect last name for what she does. Conway. It is like if my name was Michelle Jokes Frizzy Hair Small Tits. You guys gotta stop putting Kelly Anne on your shows. All she does his lie. If you don't give her a platform she has nowhere to lie. It's like that old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kelly Anne under that tree?" I'm not suggesting she gets hurt - just stuck. Stuck under a tree.

Incidentally, a tree falls in the woods is a Scott Pruitt's definition of porn. We all have our kinks. 

There's also of course Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women but it turns out she is about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She has done nothing to satisfy women. So I guess, like father like daughter. Oh, you don't think he is good in bed. Come on. She does cleanup nice, though. Ivanka cleans up nice. She is the diaper genie of the administration. On the outside she looks sleek but the inside, it's still full of shit. 

Of course we have Sarah Huckabee Sanders. We are graced with Sarah's presence tonight. I have of to say I am a little starstruck. I loved you as Aunt Lydia in "The Handmaid's Tale." 

Mike Pence, if you haven't seen it, you would love it. 

Every time Sarah steps up to the podium, I get excited because I am really not sure what we are going to get. A press briefing, a bunch of lies or a divided into softball teams. It is shirts and skins and this time don't be such a little old bitch, Jim Acosta. I actually really like Sarah. I think she is very resourceful. Like, she burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smoky eye. Maybe she was born with it, it's probably lies. 

And I am never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Is it Sarah Sanders? Is it Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Is it cousin Huckabee, is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders? Like what's "Uncle Tom" but for white women who disappoint other white women? I know - "Anne Coulter." 

We've got our friends at CNN here. Welcome guys. it is great to have you. You guys love breaking news, and you did it. You broke it. Good work. The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles. 

Fox News is here, you know what that means, ladies? Cover your drink. Seriously.

People want me to make fun of Sean Hannity tonight but I cannot do that. This dinner is for journalists. 

We have MSNBC here. MSNBC's new slogan is, "This is who we are." Guys, this is not a good slogan. "This is who we are" is what your mom thinks the sad show on NBC is called. "Did you watch 'This is who we are' this week? Someone left on a on a crockpot and everybody died." 

I watch "Morning Joe" every morning. We now know that Mika and Joe are now engaged. Congratulations, you guys. It's like when a "me too" works out. 

We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow, she is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up she never gets to the point. Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for mile but you left with shampoo, candles and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire. 

And of course, Megyn Kelly. What would I do without Megyn Kelly? I would probably be more proud of women. Megyn Kelly got paid $23 million by NBC. Then NBC didn't let Megyn go to the Winter Olympics. Why not? She's so white, cold and expensive she might as well be the Winter Olympics. And by the way, Megyn, Santa is black, the weird old white guy going through your chimney is Bill O'Reilly. You may want to put a flue on it or something.

There's a lot of print media here. There's a ton of you guys. But I am not going to go after print media tonight because it is illegal to I attack an endangered species. 

There's a ton of news right now, a lot is going on and we have all these 24 hour news networks. And we could be covering everything but instead we are covering like three topics. Every hour, it is Trump, Russia, Hillary, and a panel of four people that remind you why you don't go home for Thanksgiving. Milk comes from nuts now, all because of the gays!

You guys are obsessed with Trump. Did you used to date him? Because you pretend like you hate him but I think you love him. I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that Trump has helped all of you. He couldn't sell steaks or vodka or water or college or ties or Eric but he has helped you. He has helped you sell your papers and her books and your TV. You helped create this monster and now you are profiting off of him. And if you are going to profit off of Trump you should at least give him some money, because he doesn't have any. 

Trump is so broke [How broke is he?] he grabs pussies because he thinks there might be loose change in them. 

Alright, like an immigrant who was brought here by his parents and didn't do anything wrong, I have to get the fuck out of here, good night.

Trump has already tweeted on Wolf's smart-ass media intervention:

While Washington, Michigan, was a big success, Washington, D.C., just didn’t work. Everyone is talking about the fact that the White House Correspondents Dinner was a very big, boring bust...the so-called comedian really “bombed.” @greggutfeld should host next year! @PeteHegseth

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 29, 2018

No, she didn't.

You, on the other hand, are the one who had to borrow money from the Russians and now you're compromised and susceptible to blackmail and possibly responsible for the collapse of The Republic.

Yay. it's a great game.