Dear Fellow Member of America's Own Taliban:
Tired of the pinko, pacifistic ramblings of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount? Well, goodness me, aren't we all?
That is why I have given our Savior's alarmingly liberal litany a timely Republican overhaul. The Democrat-approving Beatitudes are now the Republican-reproving Bettytudes. Glory!
After 2,000 years of blithely ignoring them -- finally -- Christians can proudly recite the new, improved Sermon on the Amount (I have wisely added new verses that redress Jesus' failure to remind followers of America's multibillion-dollar Christianity, Inc. industry that God only gives credit for tithes after adjusting for the rate of inflation). Be the first at your Thanksgiving table to impress your socially conservative guests with the Bettytudes!
LIBERAL BEATITUDES | CONSERVATIVE BEATITUDES |
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven | Blessed are those who pour spirits: for theirs is the ringtone of Jenna's Blackberry |
Blessed are the meek: for they shall posses the land | Blessed are the sheiks: for they can pilot without learning to land |
Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted | Cursed are those who mourn civilian casualties; for they shall be confronted on "The O'Reilly Factor" |
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill | Blessed are they that use hunger and thirst instead of justice, for they shall have their coerced confession |
| Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy | Blessed are the preemptively wrathful, for they shall obtain British mercenaries |
| Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God | Blessed are the Diebold machines of the heartland, for they shall see God perform His "loaves and fish" multiplication miracle during vote tabulation |
| Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God | Blessed are the warmongers: for they shall be called "re-elected" |
| Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven | Blessed are they that persecute those who suffer for the Department of Justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of Guantanamo Bay |
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