What Fresh Hell Is This?

September 27, 2006

Bobbing For Truth

I'm thinking that I should just not watch TV anymore. I should probably forgo the Internet, newspapers and magazines as well. I would feel a lot better. It would do wonders for my blood pressure and for my voice. I would no longer be compelled to scream at the screen. I would be a happier person.

I mention this because as I was watching Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) and Rep. Peter Hoekstra (R-MI) early this morning on C-SPAN's Washington Journal go through the same old slippery logic and lies on torture and Iraq and the NIE assessment, I had what is becoming an increasing familiar feeling.

As Wilson went on about doing whatever is necessary to fight terrorism (read: torture, suspension of habeas corpus, conferring the rights of a king on this president); as he used the Republican talking points about stirring up a hornets nest (we're breeding hornets, you ass, not stirring them up!); as he claimed we went there (Iraq) because that's were the terrorists were (they weren't until we went there); as Hoekstra continued later with poo-pooing the NIE report; a rage built up within me.

It started when Wilson tried to claim that waterboarding wasn't really torture, and if it was, it doesn't matter. It grew and grew as a caller reminded Wilson that if the Geneva Conventions are as "vague" as Bush claims then why doesn't Bush and his minions spell out exactly what torture is rather than saying it is whatever Bush says it is or isn't.

It reached its peak when I had to acknowledge once again to myself that I now live in a country which will no longer state that it doesn't believe in torture. A country which no longer believes in habeas corpus -- one of the backbones of a free society.

And then my thoughts turned to Fall.

No, not "The Fall" (though the thought of sin would be appropriate here as is how much torture must make The Little Baby Jesus cry who I'm sure these representatives all claim they believe in).

No, my thoughts turned to Autumn. The changing leaves. The harvest.

And, bobbing for apples.

And at that point, I realized that I wanted to have a big, shiny, galvanized metal tub. I wanted that tub to be filled with sparkling, clean, fresh, cool water.

And apples!

Big crisp, shiny apples! Golden Delicious apples! Fujis, Galas and Winesaps!

I wanted the tub to be brought onto the Washington Journal set.

I wanted Rep. Wilson to be blindfolded and for him to be taken to the tub and told to start bobbing for the crisp, shiny apples.

I wanted to watch him be a good sport and play along and dip his head into the tub.

However, when he would inevitably try to come up for air, I wanted a hand to push his head back into the big shiny galvanized metal tub. As he struggled, he would hear a voice say that he would not be allowed back up until he said "waterboarding is torture."

As his gasping grew stronger and it was obvious that he was near drowned, the hand would pull his head out of the water.

The representative of my government would be coughing, crying, snot running out of his nose -- trying to regain his breath.

He might even vomit a little into the tub.

At that point, his head would be pushed back into the tub.

This would be repeated. If he passed out, he would be revived and the "bobbing" would continue.

He would endure more "bobbing" until he managed to repeat the words, "waterboarding is torture."

He'd have to bob again until he said, "America does not torture."

Then he'd have to bob again until he cried "Uncle!" or "My Mom's a ho!" because, you know, torture is stressful on the torturer too and everyone would need a little laugh by that point.

And, then he'd be incarcerated in some undisclosed location until...whenever. (After all, we'd only went over torture and hadn't addressed the whole habeas corpus thingy yet.)

And, the really cool thing is if I was, say, a CIA agent or army interrogator, the above FANTASY would be perfectly legal according to Wilson, himself, as long as George W. Bush had declared him an enemy combatant based on George W. Bush's sole discretion as to what and who an enemy combatant is.

Wow! Glad I got that off my chest.

I must say that it feels good to feel like a true patriotic American again -- one who embraces torture -- just like the Republicans do.

Welcome me back to the fold, won't you?


Whigsboy said...

Well done. Gee, I'm in the mood for a Honey Crisp apple right now. They have just been fantastic this year!

Philip Shropshire said...

Don't forget to mention this press conference by the league of pissed off voters...

Philip Shropshire said...

From Your Local League of Pissed off Voters:
Psss...Register to Vote by Text Message!

HeLLo Pittsburgh Leaguers!

We are having a press conference this Thursday, September 27th, at 9:30 AM in Market Square (Rain Location: The Union Project, 801 N. Negley Avenue) to announce our new text message voter registration technology, also known "Text the Vote."

To register to vote by text message, send one of the following key words to 75444, "Pa, Pgh, LeaguePA, LeaguePgh," and you will get a text reply back telling you to enter your name and address. Within days, a partially completed voter registration form will be mailed to your house, which you must then complete (sign and choose a party) and mail to the Allegheny County Elections Division.

The address for the Allegheny County Elections Division is:

Division of Elections
Allegheny County
542 Forbes Ave., Room 601
Pittsburgh, PA 15219-2953

Sept. 24

Maria said...

David is supposed to be going there tomorrow to cover that.