What Fresh Hell Is This?

November 15, 2006

A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives

A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives

November 14th, 2006

To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.

Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.


Michael Moore
Click here to sign the pledge)

P.S. Please feel free to pass this on.


xranger said...

With a small House majority, a 1 vote Senate majority, and a Republican president, look for gridlock. Like all conservatives, I feel that is a good thing.

Nothing extravagant or harmful to the country as a whole gets passed. Even if a budget can't get passed, like during Clinton's day, continuing resolutions will keep the government operating at previous spending levels - no raises at all. Pretty good deal.

Tax increases won't happen for the next two years. The Republicans already voted for the minimum raise increase, and Dems voted against it in a political move. It will happen and, after 9 years of no increase, it is time.

The move by Pelosi to install Murtha in the leadership is puzzling, since his Abscam problems are coming back to light. If he wins, through her clout, so much for the no-corruption pledge.

xranger said...

This just in from Brian Ross at ABC:

"As convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff reported to federal prison today, a source close to the investigation surrounding his activities told ABC News that Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev.) was one of the members of Congress Abramoff had allegedly implicated in his cooperation with federal prosecutors."

Uh-oh, I thought you Dems were as clean as the driven snow.


Justin said...

Psst...Murtha turned down the Abscam money, my mistaken friend.

xranger said...

In the famous quote that he wouldn't take it "for now."


John Schutrick said...

...which is, in fact, turning down the money except in the faith-based world where we throw people behind bars without legal representation or recourse.

I have to admit thought, you sure nailed us libruls with that razor-wire retort, "Dummy." Whew. Coming from an obvious supermensch like you, that really hurts. I don't think librullism will ever recover from that kind of insightful criticism.

Mack said...

No, really, I'll watch the kids while you and your wife go to the movies. Don't worry about a thing; I'll make sure that nothing untoward happens to them, "for now..."

Maybe I'm just a faith-based Tex-Mex hick, but "for now" doesn't instill a lot of faith in me.

Maybe it's just a brown thing.

John Schutrick said...

It's really pretty simple, even for a faith-based person of any ethnicity or degree of urbanity: Did he take the money or didn't he?

Yes -- corrupt.

No -- honest.

Come on, even Rush Limbaugh could figure that one out.