We are the 99%

August 23, 2007

Confidential Letter to Mayor Luke Ravenstahl

NOTE: This letter is meant only for our Mayor (I know his Mom reads the
local blogs and hope she'll send him a link). I would ask everyone else to
please read no further and I thank you in advance for your cooperation.


Dear Mayor Luke:

I hope that this does not seem rude or presumptuous of me, but I'm beginning to fear that you have difficulty understanding the meaning of certain words and I feel compelled to try to help. I've put together a brief glossary of the words/concepts that seem to elude you most. Feel free to print this, cut out the glossary and keep it taped to the wall of your office or, better still, carry a copy around in your wallet.

Technical Terms for New Pittsburgh Mayors:

CHARITY:
This is when someone gives something to help someone else. For example, when UPMC and the Penguins gave you $9,000 worth of tickets to a charitable event, you were not giving charity, you were receiving charity or a gift (see below) because as you yourself noted, you could not have afforded to attend that golf outing on your own salary. Therefore, you were the needy person receiving help.

GIFT:
This is when you get something without paying for it. Being from the Old Boy School of Politics, you may want to note that envelopes stuffed with cash are not the only things that constitute a gift.

INVITATION:
This concept seems to give you some trouble. The dictionary defines this as: "A spoken or written request for someone's presence or participation." There are subtleties to the concept that, again, you may want to note, such as most people wait for an invitation and do not request one. Secondly, if you do request an invitation and the person says that they will "get back to you" and don't, you should not consider yourself invited. Thirdly, if you have not received an invitation and then proceed to show up anyway, you're not a "guest." You're a "crasher."

WORK:
Unless you are a golf pro (one who is actually paid for the act of golfing), golfing is generally not considered to be work and it is generally frowned upon to golf during work hours.


Quick Review (Answer Key below):
Q.1
Ron Burkle (or some other billionaire) invites you to ride on his private plane to NYC (LA, Miami, etc.) and you have such a good time you can't remember exactly where you spent the night. Should this be considered:
A. INVITATION & WORK
B. CHARITY & WORK
C. INVITATION & GIFT

Q.2 Your childhood hero comes to a nearby town to attend a private function for which guests have paid a good bit of money. You just show up. Should this be considered:
A. INVITATION & WORK
B. INVITATION & GIFT
C. CRASHING

Q.3 A group of scary angry women/scary Hill residents expect you to attend a meeting. You go golfing instead. Should this be considered:
A. WORK
B. CHARITY
C. NOT WORK

Q.4 You are in line to attend a Steelers game. While waiting, you conclude that, "Myself and everybody else that was in the front of the line at that point simply had no control over our bodies or anything." You therefore decide to start a shouting match with a police officer in which you use naughty words. You end up being led away in handcuffs. Should this be considered:
A. WORK
B. CHARITY
C. CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR

Answer Key:
While this may be difficult for you to believe, the correct answers are all "C."

Next Lesson: we will devote our entire time to tackling the challenging concept of LYING.

7 comments:

The Bag of Health and Politics said...

We know Yarone reads the local blogs from time to time too. Maybe he'll print it out and give it to the Mayor.

I read it (sorry), and it was pretty funny. Good job.

Bram Reichbaum said...

hahahah nice work!

See no evil said...

Not gonna read it, can't make me.

Oh my God, it's too good. Must finish.

Maria, you rock.

Sue said...

Easily one of the best posts throughout the burghosphere in recent times. Easily. You are brilliant. I've been sending links all day.

Anonymous said...

Maria,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRHygbB1dp4

Thanks

Maria said...

You have a problem with women, don't cha?

Anonymous said...

Nope...I love women, I really do. I have a problem with you lol