Prosecute the torture.

December 19, 2007

More Strings!

It seems that each day brings a new revelation in the demands being made by the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center from the city in return for their gift donation bribe to The Pittsburgh Promise for college scholarships for city public school grads.

We first learned this week that UPMC wanted a tax credit equal to any monies that they might give to The Pittsburgh Promise.

Today, it was revealed that they will stop making their $1.5 million annual payment to the city for general government.

Neither of these details were revealed in their original splashy press conference announcing their "gift" at the beginning of the month.

Now, 2 Political Junkies has learned that there are even more demands in the rider to UPMC's agreement and we present them exclusively to our readers. These include:
  • Any and all parking tickets incurred by UPMC vehicles shall be paid out of promised Pittsburgh Promise funds.

  • All City of Pittsburgh Library overdue book fines incurred by UPMC employees shall be paid out of promised Pittsburgh Promise funds.

  • The City of Pittsburgh will supply complimentary beverages and lite snacks to UPMC executives. (All brown M&Ms must be removed!)

  • At Thanksgiving, UPMC shall always be declared the winner of any wishbone pulling contest no matter the size of their respective piece.

  • 12 de-thorned roses shall be delivered daily to the feet of UPMC President and Chief Executive Officer Jeffrey A. Romoff.

  • Any meeting between UPMC and the city shall take place in an all white room (White flowers. White tablecloths. White curtains. White candles. White couches. Low watt light bulbs.) Coffee to be stirred counterclockwise and 25 cases of Kabbalah water provided.

  • Any UPMC executive may refer to any elected city official as "Charlie" in a public meeting without being called out for being an arrogant, disrespectful dick.
  • Pittsburgh City Council members Shields, Peduto and Harris are expected to bulk at the additional requests while Councilman Jim Motznik has been seen helping Mayor Luke Ravenstahl sort through an industrial size bag of M&Ms removing offensively colored candies.

    When contacted by 2pj about the other clauses in UPMC's rider, city Chief of Staff Yarone Zober said, "It would be unfortunate if the actions of a few council members have the effect of preventing the class of 2008, those [2,000] seniors, from participating in the Pittsburgh Promise . . . Hey, guys! How are those M&Ms coming?"


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    3 comments:

    Anonymous said...

    John K. says: Remember lefties, when objections were raised over Ravenstahl going golfing with his UPMC buddies, all the talk show hosts that matter in this area where telling people we were making too much of it. We should give Ravenstahl a chance. Even the great John Delano was telling folks we were reading to much into the golf outing. Ahhhh I love lefties whining when one of them turns out to be a...liberal

    Char said...

    Maria,

    I so love your sarcastic humor. Thank you for providing me with a chance to laugh at that which is so very unfunny.

    Matt said...

    Maria,
    You owe UPMC a serious apology.
    You have really hurt their feelings!
    Luke