While people writing to Ask Aunt Maria! generally don't sign their real names, some -- for whatever reason -- desire an even higher degree of anonymity and don't even want their letters published. Today's column is an all confidential one in light of their wishes, so if you don't see your pen name here, just move along.
Confidential to Puzzled POTUS: You just don't get it. Not only will these people never be your BFF, they aren't even frenemies. Anyone short of Robert Bork himself will be rejected by them as too left wing, so just pick a flaming liberal already.
Confidential to Big Papa: You're another one who just doesn't get it. There is no way to "fix" this. Resign already. Say you
Confidential to J in McCandless: If you want to know how to get the jury's sympathy, here's a start. Three words: Lose the Bumpit. Also, some of the jurors may be fellow Italians, so you may want to lay off the offensive Mafia references. Just sayin'.
Confidential to Golf Daddy: OK, I may be a little late in answering this one, but assuming you can read this from...somewhere: Yes, your kid is a total douchenozzle. Sorry.