The Washington Post has a transcript.
If you missed the first joke (because of the sound quality/editing etc) let me explain it to you.
This is the music that was playing when the president walked up to the podium and he's reacting to these lyrics:
When I’m goneThat's why Obama says, "You can’t say it, but you know it is true."
When I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my hair
You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
Anyway he opens with a couple of Hillary Clinton jokes:
I do apologize. I know I was a little late tonight. I was running on CPT, which stands for jokes that white people should not make. That’s a tip for you, Jeff.Here's the context for the CPT joke. Yea, she shouldn't have been a part of that joke.
Anyway, here we are, my eighth and final appearance at this unique event. And I am excited. If this material works well, I’m going to use it at Goldman Sachs next year. Earn me some serious Tubmans. That’s right. That’s right.
And now onto Goldman Sachs joke. The Washington Post has an explanation. Yea, that's some serious Tubmans.
But then he balanced the Clinton jokes with this:
Next year at this time, someone else will be standing here in this very spot and it’s anyone guess who she will be.Which is probably right, despite Obama's burns.
On the other hand, Obama's Bernie Sanders jokes were a lot less harsh. Take a look:
What an election season. For example, we’ve got the bright new face of the Democratic party here tonight, Mr. Bernie Sanders. Bernie, you look like a million bucks. Or, to put in terms you’ll understand, you look like 37,000 donations of $27 each.On a meta-level, Obama's jokes vis a vis the two Democratic candidate sum up my feelings pretty well.
A lot of folks have been surprised by the Bernie phenomenon, especially his appeal to young people. But not me. I get it. Just recently a young person came up to me and said she was sick of politicians standing in the way of her dreams. As if we were actually going to let Malia go to Burning Man this year. Was not going to happen. Bernie might have let her go. Not us.
I am hurt though, Bernie, that you have been distancing yourself little from me. I mean that’s just not something that you do to your comrade.
The president was followed by The Daily Show's Larry Wilmore.
I thought he took more chances than Obama and so he cut more deeply but on the other hand, some of his jokes simply failed. The Washington Post has a transcript.
Wilmore made a Hillary Clinton joke:
But 2016 has been a beast though, man. We lost David Bowie, Merle Haggard, Prince — or as Hillary Clinton likes calls him, “my favorite singer, my favorite singer, my favorite singer.”I'm not sure the crowd got it - it's a joke about political pandering. But he did follow it, a few jokes later, with some Bernie Sanders material:
Senator Bernie Sanders is here tonight. Senator! Which I’m surprised, you never come to these things. He usually goes to the White House correspondents’ early-bird dinner. It’s nice of you to come to this one this time, Senator, I appreciate it.And so on. If you haven't already, watch both. Especially how each ends his respective speech.
Senator recently had a hernia operation. His doctors say it’s his own fault for trying to lift the hopes of the disenfranchised. You gotta stretch before you do that, Senator.
I am confused with Bernie’s stance on guns. He seems to be anti-gun everywhere except Vermont. Bernie doesn’t care who gets a gun in Vermont. (*whispers*) There are no black people in Vermont.
I have to give you credit though, Bernie, you are trying hard to get the black vote. I think it’s great. Bernie’s been hanging around with rapper Killer Mike. Or as Hillary Clinton calls him, Super Predator Mike.
Bernie Sanders gets knocked for his age, man, which is kind of unfair. It is, isn’t it? Although I will say that Bernie’s so old his first campaign slogan was “fire.” Remember that? Remember that? That was cool. Free stuff, right. Yeah.
Bernie’s so old when God said, “Let there be light,” Bernie said, “Conserve energy, let’s sit in the dark. It’s okay.”
Wilmore ends with a note of deep appreciation:
When I was a kid, I lived in a country where people couldn’t accept a black quarterback. Now think about that. A black man was thought by his mere color not good enough to lead a football team — and now, to live in your time, Mr. President, when a black man can lead the entire free world.And here's Obama's ending:
Yea, I'll say it. I'll miss him when he's gone. Yes, there were drone strikes killing people who shouldn't have been killed and yes, the NSA is still spying people who shouldn't be spied on and YES, he let the torturers from the previous administration go free.
Despite all that, I'll still miss this administration.