What Fresh Hell Is This?

April 1, 2010

Catholic Church Abuse Scandal Having Far Reaching Effects Including Here in Pittsburgh

Dan Onorato, Mike Doyle and Luke Ravenstahl
at today's early morning press conference.

In a move which political insiders found "stunning" a joint press conference was held today in Pittsburgh by three notably Catholic elected officials: US Rep. Mike Doyle (D-PA), Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato and Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl.

The three men issued a press release stating that, "We realize that we have no right to impose our particular religious views on the citizenry of Southwestern Pennsylvania."

It went on to add, "We're all Democrats and it's time that we lived up to our Party's platform."

At the presser, Onorato said, "I told the good folks at the Steel-City Stonewall Democrats endorsement vote just this Sunday that I was against same-sex marriage, but with each new revelation in the Church abuse scandal I came to the realization that maybe my Church didn't really have the moral authority to tell others how to live their lives. If elected to be your Governor, I will work for real equality not just some sham unfunded commission."

Mayor Ravenstahl, whose voice frequently chocked with emotion and who at times was blinking back tears, blurted out, "I've been a real douche." He went on, "That vote I made against the Bubble Zone when I was on City Council which I never explained, yeah, that was totally an anti choice vote. Myself and my colleagues here have no right to try to impose the views of our Church or ourselves on the women of our area.

Growing increasingly more philosophical during his comments, Ravenstahl added, "What are we talking about here anyway? I can't even keep my own marriage together and yet I say the gays shouldn't even be allowed to try? It's all about the love, right?"

Doyle, the last to speak, said he'd been conflicted for some time. "Yeah, I voted for the Stupak Amendment, but even then I was still trying to bring the two sides together. Personally, I'm against abortion, but I know I can't impose my own beliefs on others. And, I certainly can't hide behind my faith -- especially not now. I want to say though that there are many, many good people in the laity, but I've had a real change of heart. I'm gonna go one step further and sponsor a repeal of the Hyde Amendment. Abortion is legal in this country and there's no good reason why we should punish poor women. That would be real health care reform."

The three took questions after making their statements and when asked about his status as a resident of the infamous "C Street House" run by the shadowy group called "The Family," Doyle noted that he had moved out over a year ago. "What was I thinking living there? Talk about religious hypocrites and a lack of moral authority! They're almost on par with the leadership in the Catholic Church."

As the conference ended, the press was ushered out with a broadcast of David Bowie's "Changes."



Gloria said...


Cassie said...

That was wonderful... you just turned my day around!

Conservative Mountaineer said...

Yuk. Yuk. For something to be funny and believable, it must have a certain air of believability. Only a liberal would try to make fun of a very serious matter. Fail.

EdHeath said...

CM, you mean like that short film of George W Bush searching his office for WMD, made when American military personnel were dying in Iraq, doing the same thing in the real world.

lefthandofeminism said...

What a great April Fool's joke. Too bad it's only a joke. And btw, each one of these men owes all women in Pennsylvania a huge apology for steadily assaulting our personhood. Women, not men, need to make decisions about their bodies.

Gloria said...

I agree that women must be the ones who make decisions about their bodies.

I'd add that women also need to educate themselves on candidates, they need to vote, they need to open their checkbooks & contribute to candidates' campaigns. Women are way behind men in terms of $$ given. In general men still make than women. But, ladies, there are more of us. Plus, if a campaign costs $100,000, spending $200,000 doesn't guarantee you'll win. Lastly, give to a candidate, not a party.