What Fresh Hell Is This?

December 29, 2010

Confidential Letter to Pittsburgh City Council

(NOTE: This letter is meant only for the members of Pittsburgh City Council. I would ask everyone else -- this means you, Yarone Zober -- to please read no further and I thank you in advance for your cooperation.)

Dear Pittsburgh City Council,

In times past, I've written some confidential advice to Mayor Luke Ravenstahl and it looks like you're now overdue for some of the same.

In watching your hearings this past week, it's become apparent that you have some issues getting the attention of our Mayor. You say he won't take your calls, he won't answer your questions, he won't take your meetings, and he won't sign your legislation.

I see that you have even felt it necessary to compel him to meet with you. I propose that with just a little bit of ingenuity on your part, you can get Mayor Ravenstahl to rush to your side without the need for any extreme legal measures:
  • Have Councilor Rudiak don a long blonde wig and some mismatched clothes -- tell Luke she's the new Sienna Miller.

  • Put Councilor Lavelle in some sweats, shades and bling and tell Luke that TMZ has proclaimed him a hot new rapper who's destined to be "bigger than Snoop."

  • Hold your meetings on a golf course.

  • Hold your meetings at Seven Springs.

  • Two words: Tiger Woods. Compel him to attend a meeting -- Luke is sure to follow.

  • If all else fails, pool your resources (CBG monies?) and hire a private jet stocked with lingerie models. Tell Lukey if he inks your deal, he'll get a night in NYC that he'll never forget so good he won't be able to remember.

  • Sincerely,
    Your Friend at 2pj

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